Poem I wrote to help me rise above.

Freedom comes at a price,

My illness is my cage,

My tormentor, abuser. 

Looming over always ready to strike. 

It's hard to comprehend,

With the darkness in clear sight,

I want to be me...I want to fight. 

Tiredness beyond words,still searching for light. 

I look at them,at him...they are my light. 

My reason for being. 

My reason to fight. 

So life has changed forever more,

But for them I would always endure. 

Keep focused,keep strong,you're not alone...even at your darkest. Remember YOU are still YOU 

Your fight defines you...make it through. 

Love always. 

Most wonderful time of the year!

Happy new year!!!!

This Christmas has made me realise whilst others are celebrating and spending time with their loved ones-lots are suffering much more with this time of year...it's party season. Yet it can be an isolating time. I know with new year gone I have been left with an empty feeling in my tummy. 

Reach out and know you're not alone...I've put my energy into positive things like setting up fundraising pages for African Pygmy hedgehogs (animals close to my heart). 

In terms of my epilepsy,not much has changed. I'm still sat here waiting to hear and feel let down by a system with waiting lists and no priorities. 

I have been told some seizures are happening because of stress and fear-how is this meant to change?! When life IS stressful! You're made to feel like you're crazy when I fully believe this a natural human response to the condition. I mean who wants a seizure in public or in front of their small children. 

Sadly I had some cluster seizures in December witnessed by my son. He thought I was dead. This hurt me deep inside. Trying to explain to five year old about a health issue isn't easy. 

Seizures two night ago. Whilst I slept...contacting the epilepsy nurse and hoping to see a neurologist privately. 

Also find out when my pacemaker can be fitted to be MRI compatible. 

The main thing is-I've realised I'm not alone. I have the support network. I'm lucky to have a wonderful carer and partner. A wonderful family and my big sis is getting married in February. So finding joy in lots and leaving the negative in a box,tucked safely away. 

2014 will be the year I finally fight epilepsy. 

Good luck to you all. 

Hi!

So here I am. 

Laura,mother,fiancé,sister,daughter,granddaughter,auntie,niece,cousin 😉 32 years young. Currently on maternity leave. But soon to be signed officially off. Hoping not permanently! My very loving fiancé and the man I am desperate to marry asap; is Jp he is my carer. My rock. My children's glue as well as mine. Holding us all together. 

Where to start......(don't fall asleep! I'll ask questions at the end to check 😉)

I'm awake at 05:45 and yet again I can't sleep(dreaded insomnia and silly brain). So thought-what better a time to tell you a little about me and why I want to write it down. 

In April 2013 I fell and knocked myself unconscious. Fracturing a vertebra at the same time. Life changed dramatically. 

I'd always had health issues, I have a pacemaker for complete heart block. But this was a shock. It happened in a upset market in front of my sons. So we discovered I have epilepsy. In fact I may always have had it. For as long as I can remember I zone out. I'm a day dreamer.(who isn't 😊) 

To cut a long story short I am on my path to being seizure free. I have grand mal fits and my last bad episode involved 15 cluster seizures. I'm not controlled as yet. But today it's been two days since my last fit 😊 I want to share my journey with you. To maybe help or rationalise your fears and mine. 

I have three beautiful children. The youngest is almost 1. So much to be happy for. So much to keep fighting. 

Please share with me your stories. But please don't feel alone. 

We are all here together. An army against this and I'm hoping through the power of writing I can help myself and others recover too. Let's be in it together. 

United we stand! 

Love to you all. 

Laura 

Family photo for you...proud mum moment. Forgive me xx

My first epilepsy poem

Stuck in the moment,

Praying for light...

Or a day that isn't a fight. 

My body is tired,

my brain is fried, 

yet here I am. 

I am alive. 

I'm still here. 

I never left, 

I'm fighting a war,

Except with myself. 

Can't you see how scary a day,

When my body reacts

And I drift away. 

I am still she,

I still laugh and sing,

My body gets broken,

Does that mean a thing. 

Tell me who to be,

How to get through,

Heavens knows I'm trying 

It's so hard to do. 

I have epilepsy,it doesn't have me,

I'm still here. I'm me. I'm she 

Mums party cheats

Ok...so everyone loves the ideas of kids birthday parties. The reality behind it, not so great. 

My first son Owen had a few parties and poor Oscar, my second has got to 5 without even one. So I thought this year he really does need one. 

Then of course stupid mummy breaks her back and winds up poorly. 

Cue lots of research from my hospital bed. 

Venues, entertainment, guest lists, menu, party bags, birthday cake. All on a tight budget!

So I found the perfect venue £75 for a hall with football at one end, diddy cars,soft play and a bouncy castle. This catered for the whole of oscars class rather than just the boys. Plus 2 hours of fun and a member of staff. Glastonbury leisure centre is a great, easy venue with lots for a varied age and gender of child. 

I found a fantastic caterer who provided food for 25 children, all for a low price. A good idea if like me you're unable to stand in the kitchen for hours. I have to be honest. This part really took away any stress for me. 

Party bags...what a great business idea. Pre filled bags. Beautifully wrapped and cost effective. So many people myself included, have spent a fortune on favours which helpfully come in lots of odd numbers so you end up buying more of what you need. I found a lady locally via Facebook who did a range of bags with a variety of fillings to suit every budget. I bought both boy and girl themed bags. Again another great idea to cut down on any stress. Plus in my opinion cost effective. 

Tashispamperpartybags@hotmail.co.uk was absolutely brilliant to deal with, highly recommended. Lots of lovely personal touches like a little tag thanking the partygoers for coming love from Oscar. 

My sister in law provided the cake, which of course had to be football themed. With lovely personalised football shirts. With some grass cupcakes to go home with the guests alongside the party bags. I'm sure you'd agree how clever Sophie is!

Although I did lots of prep, I'm glad I did it the way I did. I got to watch my children and his friends enjoy the party. Instead of stressing and running round like a maniac. 

I am so happy the day went well, Oscar is a very happy young man and 20 something children went home a little more exhausted. 

Still need to consider how to deal with those who don't RSVP though!! Ha!!

Thanks to all those who helped today. 

Rocking my brace

Sooooo this is my new best friend for the next 3 months. 

Lets hope I can jazz it up with some sparkle. 

The only issue is, it makes my boobs look huge. Plus breast feeding is a nightmare. 

It's also itchy and makes me hot. BUT it's all for the greater good. I have an appointment with trauma and orthopaedics on Monday. So we will see what the future holds. For now I'm rocking 'the jet pack' as my kids call it!